Ode to a fighter

I'm wondering what this world is coming to and why have people have forgotten words like Honor, commitment and Integrity??

I'm infinitely saddened by something I heard tonight.

Break ups and break downs happen to all of us, and I could actually draw perverse pleasure in saying “who would know better than me"? But apparently someone does know better than me, and what wouldn't I give to take that away from her, for she grew up before my eyes. A few billion blinks and she went from a lanky, awkward supergenius kid to Lovely woman, wiser than her years.

And she seemed set for life. A job in hand right after graduation, a lovely marriage to look forward to, everything a girl could ask for. But not really.

For after six years of a relationship, the man decided to jump ship, four weeks before marriage. No questions asked, no answers given.

Sometimes people are just not meant for each other, and they might not realize it even after spending a life together. Or they might realize it in a couple of years. However, no one has the right to wreck another person’s life.

Unfortunately, someone else’s sanity no longer warrants the same respect as one’s own.

Every morning I wake up and ask myself" Am i making the worst mistake of my life" ? Is this what I always wanted for myself, all my life and now that I have it, i don't recognize it ? Or am i so blinded by my own love that i can't see what is good for me ? So far I've not been able to find the answers.

Happy thanksgiving !

I know what I’m thankful for. I’m thankful for being here today. I’m thankful for being alive. I’m thankful for everything that god put me through, for it gave me the strength to survive in the face of adversity and made me the person I am. I’m thankful and grateful to my friends and family for being there with their unquestionable faith and support. And their determination to keep me going, no matter what. For putting up with my insecurities (and I have a lot of them) and tantrums. For trying to understand the challenges and working with them. For living with my cold attitude and sometimes, shredding me to pieces for it. For believing that everything serves a higher purpose. I’m thankful to my colleagues for making everyday a little less dull and a little brighter. And most of all I’m thankful to you, Amit, for giving me the strength to dream and trust in miracles. For believing in me and making me believe in myself. For standing by me through a lot of bad times. for loving me at my worst,for seeing through my rage,For pushing me when I wanted to crash, and holding me, when I wanted to lie down. I’m thankful for your sheer presence, for it’s a beacon of strength and happiness.
10.31 AM
26/11/2010

For Amit and Chotu

Its so silent tonight. I cant here you breathe. So this is what it feels like when time stops.
And I’m not ready to acknowledge that that you’ll be a memory someday.
That you almost are,already.
The things you did,the boundaries you crossed.the way I got you home.
Stupid irritating dog,who delivered my dirty undies on a guest’s foot.
The one who almost took my lip off because he didn't like me drunk.
The one who didn't sleep next to me when I was drunk,every single time.
The one whose temperament was like mine,suspicious,cynical,angry.
"Because everyone in this world is out to hurt me.i was caged as a pup.separated from my mother,almost left for dead.and I was rescued,after you paid a price for my existence.
And you’ve been my father,you've been my friend."

It’s so silent tonight and I cant believe you are gone.
I’ll miss you chotu, my friend,my son.

11.51 pm, 28 august

Save me before I burn myself out....

A single lucid moment..

Let my close my eyes,keep my head on your chest and sleep...
For when i sleep this dream seems so possible.
To laugh with you,to fight.to scream at you coz you won't listen.To cry coz you wont bother. to have you hold me and whisper in my ears.To start laughing all over again coz you'd make me..To give into those fits of madness which no one else would ever understand. To listen to your lies and believe them. to see you not care and still love you..
To live all the million dreams in a heartbeat and see a million more in the next,coz thats how you make me feel.
Let me keep my head on your chest and sleep,let me live in this lucid moment,for if i open my eyes,this dream would never be...

I dont know how to say goodbye.
i thought all this was behind me. the hurt,the anguish,the sense of betreyal.the pain of my heart breaking all over again. but i guess i was wrong.
i dont know wat to say or how.
just to come so close to a dream and watch it shatter,standing there and unable to do anything about it..
And now there are a million unanswered questions. why doesnt this misery end if i've already taken the next step ?
I've said everything in my thoughts a thousand times over yet cant to you. After all this time you arent a stranger and yet you arent mine.
And everytime i go through this,something dies inside me.Is this the love we dreamt of ? where we can't talk to each other,can't be there for each other,can't understand each other,and yet wont leave each other ?
I'm ready to take the blame a thousand times over just for one hour of respite.
Just a hint of happiness.
And i know that two years down the line, i might even be able to turn back and look at this with just a shadow of the pain i'm feeling now, but till then...
Till then...